Falling Apart
by jenniper
Summary: Bella was certain she married the love of her life. But when her marriage is falling apart, what will she do? Should she try to save something that she's not sure exists? AH, OOC
1. Prologue

**A/N: So, welcome! This storyline just popped out of my head today, and I had to write it down. Hopefully, you'll enjoy it!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**

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**Prologue**

I met the love of my life when I was twenty-two years old. It was in my senior year of college that I met the man I knew I would want to live the rest of my life with.

It was a beautiful, sunny day in New York. The sun was dazzling me, shining brightly, and I could feel the summer starting for real. It had been raining the past days, and I'd been in a bad mood. I hated the rain, and I thought back at the time when I lived in Forks, where the endless rain never stopped.

But when the clouds separated, making place for the sun, my mood was on top again and the rain was all but forgotten.

I was sauntering on campus with my arms tightly wrapped around my books. I had my next class in two hours, and I'd already done all my exams for the week, so I decided to sit in the grass and read.

I'd brought a blanket with me, packing it in my bag as soon as I heard it would be a sunny day. I often sat in the grass and read as soon as I had time and it didn't rain. It was one of the things I enjoyed doing on my own, not wanting my friends to interrupt. Usually, they let me be alone. But sometimes, Peter and Tyler, some guys in one of my classes, came up to me and tried to make conversation. When I didn't respond as enthusiastically as they wanted, they quickly left and didn't come back for a few days. Until they thought I'd changed my mind about them and tried again.

I was just a few pages into _Wuthering Heights _when the light from the sun was blocked and my book and face were in shadow. Someone was standing in front of me.

_That's it. Don't they comprehend the meaning of 'I want to be alone'? How many times do I have to tell them?_

I raised my gaze from the book, my anger quickly rising. I had to tell them that I wasn't interested, otherwise they'd never leave me alone!

"Alright, guys. I thought I'd made myself clear about this, but apparently you still haven't got it. I'm not -"

I stopped myself from saying more when I looked up and met a pair of sparkling green eyes - instead of Peter's blue or Tyler's brown eyes. As soon as I met his gaze, I forgot all about Peter and Tyler. I forgot everything_._

His eyes were breathtaking, and full of life. I was positive I wasn't the first girl that had fallen for his eyes. It was just...impossible to look away.

When I composed myself enough to break eye contact, I noticed the rest of him.

It wasn't just the eyes that were breathtaking. It was _everything. _His brown - or was it red? - hair was in a mess, his white shirt had the first button undone - showing a bit of chest hair - and a full smirk was plastered on his face.

_I am _so _dead, _was the only thought I could come up with in my mind. He was the most handsome man I'd ever seen.

"You're not...?"

He gazed at me expectantly, raising his eyebrows.

I pulled back from my reverie long enough to respond. "Interested. I'm not interested. Or - I mean -"

_What am I saying? I was interested in _him_! _

"That's a shame. I guess I just have to try find another one then. Though I have to admit it will be hard to find a girl as beautiful as you..." And with that said, he turned around and started to walk away.

_What? I can't just let him walk away!_

I pushed the book from my lap and got up, trying to stop him. "Wait!"

I started to run in my desperation to stop him, and when I reached him I turned around so that I was face to face with him. "Wait, I didn't mean that. I _am_ interested in you! Ugh, that sounded wrong." He looked in disbelief at me, trying to fight a smile.

I took a deep breath. "What I'm trying to say, is that I thought you were someone else. Some guys have been bugging me about going out with them, and I was going to tell them that I'm not interested. Which I've been telling them a lot lately." I muttered the last part to myself, not meaning anyone to hear it. But apparently the mystery guy caught it, because he chuckled a little before composing himself.

"Yeah, I know exactly how it feels," he said, winking. "So...?"

"So?" I asked, confused.

"Are you interested in me? Interested enough to go on a date with me?" he asked, his voice teasing, but his face telling me that he was genuine.

"I - uh..." I chuckled nervously. "I don't know. I mean, I don't even know your name," I said, trying to joke. He couldn't be serious, could he?

"Edward," he said.

"Edward," I repeated. I liked how it rolled off my tongue, but I doubted he was as old fashioned as his name was. In my mind, I was laughing at my little joke.

"So, will you go on a date with me?" He looked at the ground, shifting uncomfortably, before he looked up again. I realized I was making him nervous. So he must serious, then.

His eyes captured mine, and suddenly, it wasn't the sun that was dazzling me anymore. It was him.

As soon as I met his gaze, I knew my answer. I couldn't say no to those eyes.

"Yes."

Four months later, we were married.

Now, five years later, my marriage is falling apart.

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**A/N: What do you think? I would be really happy if you took the time to review and tell me your thoughts!**

**I want to warn you about this story, too. If you're looking for pure fluff, then this isn't your story. This will be heavy. I'm not saying it won't be any fluff at all, but this certainly won't be a fairytale. BUT, if you love some angst (even though it hurts sooo bad to read and not be able to do anything), then you're welcome to join us!**

**Now, go click that review button and tell me what you think!**

**Until next time...**


	2. Chapter 1

**A/N: This took me like forever to post BUT, you wouldn't be reading this if I hadn't had my beta and new found friend Angela. I seriously love her for fixing my mistakes. **

**Without any further ado, here is the first chapter of _Falling Apart._**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**

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_Once upon a time I was falling in love_  
_But now I'm only falling apart_  
_There's nothing I can do_  
_A total eclipse of the heart_  
_Once upon a time there was light in my life_  
_But now there's only love in the dark_  
_Nothing I can say_  
_A total eclipse of the heart_  
_**~Bonnie Tyler (Total Eclipse of the Heart)**_

**Chapter 1**

_Just breathe, Bella. Inhale, exhale. It's not that hard._

Well, it was easier said than done. My hands were shaking so bad I almost dropped the glass of water I was holding in my hand. My throat was as dry as sandpaper, and I was positive my face had lost all of its color.

I was sitting at the table, the dinner cooked, the laundry washed and ironed, the flowers watered and the house cleaned. It was unbelievable how much I'd managed to get done in just a few hours, but when you were desperate to get your mind on other things it turned out to be a great opportunity to get your daily chores done. But there was still ten minutes left, and there was no escaping it now.

I'd started working at the headquarters of CIT Group two years after I majored in economics at NYU. I'd been placed in the Trade Finance section, and I'd loved working there. I had many co-workers, that way no one questioned why I was always alone. It was a safe zone, because no one really cared. They all had their own lives to worry about. I didn't have time to make friends when I actually _had_ a job – millions of people didn't – and I did anything to make the boss happy with my work. This resulted in my closest relationship being with my boss, Rosalie Hale.

Rosalie was a lot like me – stubborn, persistent, hard-working and honest (some said 'bitchy', but she ignored them). But she was also scared to open up – like me – and that was the reason we never _really_ became friends, no more than exchanging phone numbers and chatting at work.

But she _was_ my closest "friend" and although I enjoyed being alone, it would be nice to have _someone _to talk to. Especially now, but not even Rosalie could help me. Not with this.

Because she was the one who put me in this situation in the first place.

"_Mrs. Cullen?"_

_I covered the phone with my hand and looked up, seeing Rosalie's secretary standing in front of my desk._

"_Yes?"_

"_Um... Ms. Hale wants to talk to you in her office," she said, shifting slightly._

_Rosalie wanted to talk to me now? That's weird. She knew I was negotiating with an important client, so it must be _very _important, then._

"_Okay, I'll be right in," I responded and returned to the phone, quickly ending the call with the promise that I'd return with more information as soon as possible._

_I went to Rosalie's office and passed her secretary outside, who was looking very uncomfortable and refused to make eye contact. _

What is her problem? _I thought. I'm not exactly her best friend, but she could at least say 'hi' or something. Whatever._

_The door was open and I went right in to the office. Rosalie was sitting at her desk, her chin resting on clasped hands, her face expressionless. This was Rosalie Hale, the president of Trade Finance__, n__ot the friendly and happy Rosalie I chatted with. No, this was not her. _This _was the reason they called her a bitch, because she __could surely_ _be one._

"_Bella," she said and gestured to the armchair in front of her desk._

"_Rosalie." I closed the door and sat down, all the while studying her face. _

_There was absolutely no sign of emotion. Her face was like stone. But when she opened her mouth to speak, her control wavered and her gaze shifted from left to right until she focused on the desk again. _

_It was long enough for me to notice the emotion in her eyes. But I couldn't place it. Was it desperation? Sorrow? One thing was __for_ _sure, nothing good could come out of this._

_Rosalie cleared her throat. "Be – Mrs. Cullen," she corrected herself, "I wanted to meet __with_ _you today to talk about your future. You've been a fantastic employee __these_ _past years, and we are very pleased with –" _

_I quickly saw through her charade. "Cut the crap, Rosalie."_

_She immediately stopped talking, her eyes widen__ed_ _in surprise. She opened and closed her mouth once, twice (I counted) and a third time before she gave up with a sigh. Her eyes wandered around the room, until they finally made contact with mine._

_They were shiny with tears._

"_I'm so sorry, Bella," she said, slightly shaking her head in exasperation. A tear rolled down her face and she drew a deep breath to compose herself. "But I'm afraid that y-your position is n-no l-longer a-available."_

_If I was surprised by her behavior when I told her to cut the crap, I was in full shock by now. _

_Rosalie was _crying_. And it wasn't like a few tears trailing down her cheek. She was _really _crying. She was sobbing; tears were streaming down her face. She gazed at me, __as if_ _pleading __for me_ _to understand._

_I was paralyzed. I couldn't move. I just sat there, staring._

"_I'm so sorry," she repeated. She looked desperate to make me understand, but I was numb. I didn't feel anything. I wasn't here. Rosalie wasn't crying._

"_I swear, I did everything I could, but –" _

_I flew out of the chair, so furious I couldn't sit down. "You 'did everything you could'? Really?" My voice had raised an octave. "But I'm still fired, right?"_

_All I saw was red, red, red. And a small blonde dot._

_I didn't realize I was shouting until I saw Rosalie flinch at my words._

_I controlled my anger and tried to stay calm, but as soon as the fury disappeared, another emotion hit me like I'd run into a brick wall._

_I felt tears welling up in my eyes._

_Rosalie and I were very much alike, but apparently there was __one_ _exception. _

_Rosalie didn't want to show herself weak in front of other people and neither did I. But she had matured. I hadn't. She'd let herself be weak today, in front of _me_. But I still couldn't stand to show weakness. I couldn't afford that._

_I flew to the door, but stopped when I laid my hand on the knob. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw Rosalie standing with her mouth open and a shocked look on her face._

_I swallowed the lump in my throat and turned back to the door._

"_Maybe," I whispered."Maybe..." I said, louder this time, "you could have fought a little harder."_

_I grabbed the handle, wrenched the door open and slammed it closed again. The door frame shook from the impact, and I got the attention __of_ _fifty pair of eyes who __were suddenly_ _staring at me. I turned around to Rosalie's secretary, __and then_ _I remembered I didn't know her name. I looked at her desk. Ms. Jessica Stanley. Hmm. _

_Jessica looked up at me from her papers and I smiled sweetly at her. "Jessica, would you mind telling Ms. Hale that I'll start clearing my desk __out_ _now?"_

_She blinked. "Uh, yes – I mean, no, of course I don't mind," she said, "I'll tell her right away."_

"_Thank you." _

_I turned on my heels and walked to my desk to pack my things._

When I'd been packing my stuff, they all started gossiping. I found out that twenty-four other people had been fired besides me. I'd been the first one.

No one really knew the reason behind the sudden decision to fire twenty-five people, but there were a lot of rumors. Someone said that the new CEO was planning to fire everyone, and that this was just the beginning. Another one claimed that Rosalie fired every person she saw as a threat to take over her position. A third person thought the company wanted to get into the newspaper. And maybe that was what they wanted.

When the company had declared Chapter 11 bankruptcy in November of last year, the future had been looking dark. But after quickly emerging from the bankruptcy court proceedings and getting a new CEO, things had been okay. Or so we thought. Now, we could only speculate – or gossip, as people usually did – about the reason why this had happened.

I knew Rosalie didn't want to fire me. I knew she'd been told to do this, and she couldn't refuse an order. But the fact that it was she and not someone else only made the aching pain worse.

My job was everything to me. I'd put my heart and soul into my work, it was the reason I would wake up in the morning. So when I suddenly didn't have that anymore, I didn't know what to do.

But that wasn't completely true, either. I had another reason for waking up in the morning, the reason I was still here. And that reason just walked through the door as I heard a loud slam.

Edward was home.

I tried to calm down the way I'd done at work, but the difference now was that I didn't have to calm down because of anger. This time it was out of nervousness and fear.

Edward was not only the reason I wanted to live, he was also the cause of the only fear I had. Because he was the only one who had more power over me than I did.

I pushed the chair back and stood up to welcome my husband home, willing my hands to stop shaking. I didn't want to fight, but I wouldn't let him get to me and break the courage I'd built up since I came home.

"Bella?" I heard Edward's voice from the hall.

"Dinner's ready," I called, taking a step forward but stopping when I heard him coming into the kitchen.

He stopped abruptly in the doorway and frowned. "Have you cleaned?" he asked, looking confused.

"Yes, I have," I responded carefully, anxious about what his reaction would be.

"Haven't you been at work?"

"Yes, I have." It wasn't exactly a lie. I _had _been at work, just not very long.

He raised an eyebrow. "Then how come you had time to clean the whole house and make dinner in just an hour?"

I knew what he was doing. He suspected something, and by asking more questions, I would eventually succumb and tell the truth. I'd fallen for this trick many times. But I wasn't quite ready to share the news yet, so I decided to lie and prayed to God he would believe me. "I left early." Well, that wasn't a lie either.

He walked a few steps forward, staring into my eyes intensely, searching for the lie I knew he wouldn't find.

I straightened up and looked him in the eye back, silently challenging him to even dare distrusting me.

This could end in two ways – he could believe me, or I would be in big trouble. Luckily, he chose the first alternative.

He shrugged, smiling the crooked smile I loved. "Okay, what's for dinner?"

I breathed a sigh of relief and sat down at the table. "Um, pasta. And meatballs." Edward loved meatballs, and I'd secretly planned this to put him in a good mood. I didn't want to tell him I had been fired if he'd woken on the wrong side or if he'd had a bad day at work.

Edward sat down, licking his lips in anticipation. "Great. I knew there was a reason I loved you," he teased, winking.

All I could do was nod and smile a tight smile. Did he really mean that? Did he really love me?

The romantic confessions were rare nowadays. I knew Edward had loved me when I married him, but even I knew love could cease. He still told me he loved me, but it was always when he was teasing, like this time, or whenever I told him I loved him. And I couldn't see if he was telling the truth. But there had to be something that still held him here, and I hoped with all my heart that it was his love for me.

I'd never been one to make hasty decisions, but I'd never doubted my feelings for Edward. I knew I wanted to spend my life with him. Perhaps this wasn't the life I'd imagined, but I accepted it. Maybe I'd misinterpreted Edward, because after all, I'd married him after I'd only known him for four months. I'd known another Edward, yet this one had begun to emerge instead.

But _my _Edward was still there. He didn't show often, but when he did, nothing else mattered. I was _complete_ when his mouth twisted into his lopsided grin or when I saw the joy in his eyes driving the Vanquish. _That_ was the reason I could withstand the fights, the crying, and the absence from the Edward I knew. Because it was all worth it. Call me a lovesick fool if you want to, but it's true.

I suppose when you don't have anything else, you hold on to the things you have left. I didn't have much contact with my family, and Edward had none at all. His parents died in a car crash when he was fifteen, and afterwards he'd stayed with an aunt he had no contact with now. I had been concerned about his parents and the accident when I first met him, but he'd assured me that he was fine and he'd moved on a long time ago.

I talked to Charlie now and then, but it wasn't as often as when I first came to New York. Charlie had been worried about me moving to NY in the beginning, but I'd been ready for a change. I'd grown tired of Forks and wanted to explore the rest of the world. Charlie had accepted it, but when I told him that I had married Edward, he'd gotten so furious with me he'd stopped talking to me for two months. Our relationship was better now, but it hadn't fully recovered yet and probably never would.

I came back to the present. Edward was shoveling the food into his mouth, looking like he hadn't eaten in a week. I'd barely touched the food. I picked at it with my fork, but I wasn't really hungry. The nervousness came back and I couldn't postpone it anymore. I had to tell him.

"Edward?" I said quietly, staring at the plate.

I took a deep breath and looked up. Edward was on his second serving, still shoveling the food, barely noticing me. "I have something I need to tell you."

"Okay..."

"Something important," I clarified, trying to get his attention. But he still wouldn't look at me, so I decided to just get it over with. "I got fired today."

I flinched when I heard the sound of a fork hitting a plate. Or a knife, I couldn't be sure. I'd clenched my eyes shut as soon as I'd said 'today'. I was too scared to see his reaction. I was positive he would snap, now that I had a weakness. I was sure he would mock me for not having a job and tell me that I was fitting in with the pathetic housewives I'd often complained about.

I heard a 'hmpf' and then everything was quiet. _Too_ quiet.

I hesitantly opened my eyes. Edward was staring out of the window, probably looking at his Aston Martin in the driveway. His nostrils were flaring, his gaze bewildered. I could see he had to control himself from shouting at me. I was happy he would at least attempt to not do it.

I turned my gaze to the fridge. There were two photos on it: one from our wedding, and the other from our trip to Florida a year ago. The wedding photo was taken in a beautiful garden. We hadn't bought a house yet, so we'd gotten married at James' house, a friend of Edward's. I had wanted to get married in a church and Edward wanted to go to Vegas, so we chose something completely different. It had been a perfect day; the sun had been shining, the birds chirping and the trees had been a mixture of red, yellow and orange.

It was a picture of us standing face-to-face, my right hand resting on Edward's chest. We were gazing into each others eyes, smiling, our faces glowing. I looked _happy_. _Content_. It had been the happiest day of my life – standing in front of the pastor, promising to love my angel for the rest of my life. I had thought it was everything I would ever need. My angel.

The other photo was very different from the first one. It had another … _feeling _in it. When you looked at the wedding photo, you could almost sense the happiness pouring out from it. But this one made me kind of sad. Apart from the obvious reason – it was raining, and I always got sad when I was reminded of Forks and Charlie – I didn't see any happiness in it. Sure, we were smiling, but in my case it didn't really reach my eyes. Edward was just blankly staring into the camera lens, an arm casually thrown around my shoulder.

"Why?"

_Huh?_ _Oh, right. I was in Brooklyn, not in Florida._

I pulled out of my reverie, turning my head in Edward's direction. I was prepared for the vision of a furious Edward, but when I looked at him his face was blank and radiated calm.

He couldn't be calm now, could he? I'd confessed a lot of stuff before, and he'd shouted at me until I thought I couldn't take anymore. Maybe he could see I was afraid of his reaction. I wasn't sure how he read my expression, but I was sure he could smell my carefulness and fear.

"Why?" I echoed. I didn't understand. Why what?

"Why did you get fired?" he clarified in a calm voice that matched his face.

I chose my words carefully. "I... I don't know. No one knows. Twenty-four other people got fired, too."

"So it had nothing to do with your... ah, _performance_?"

I realized I'd been looking down at my wringing hands in my lap. I looked up at Edward again.

"No," I said quickly. "At least, I don't think so," I added to smooth over my quick reply. But I made the mistake to start roving around the kitchen with my eyes, never making contact with his. I suddenly found a boring painting very interesting.

I could see him raising his eyebrow in the corner of my eye. "But... I'm not... sure," I hesitantly confessed, furrowing my eyebrows.

_This is it. I fucked up this time, this is my fault. Why didn't I work harder? I could have prevented this. Why did I have to get fired? He's not gonna want me when I don't have a job. When I'm useless. Worthless. This is it. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. I'm not gonna cry. I won't cry. I. Won't. Cry._

"Alright."

_Iwon'tcryIwon'tcryIwon't – what? Did he just say 'alright'?_

My mouth fell open in surprise, my eyes quickly meeting his gaze.

This was as near as you could come. _This_ was my Edward. His arms crossed, grinning his lop-sided grin, his eyes melting to a sparkling green.

I couldn't help the smile that started to grow. It wasn't a voluntary reaction; it was more like a reflex. And every time, my ability to speak properly disappeared.

"Yeah..."

He chuckled softly and leaned over the table. "So, what are you gonna do now? Find a new job?"

I gazed into his eyes, trying to make him understand. "I won't find a new job, Edward. Not in these times," I shook my head slowly in exasperation, "I can't work as a waitress with a major in _economics_."

"Take a job in another bank, then," Edward suggested. "You can't just sit at home all the time. You'll go crazy," he said quietly, worry in his eyes.

I laughed bitterly. "Yeah, we'll see about that. Anyway, I'll sign up for unemployment tomorrow and then we'll just have to see what happens." I started clearing the table, effectively ending the discussion.

"Yeah, I suppose," he said, leaning back in the chair that made a squeaking sound from the weight put on it. Which reminded me, we needed to buy new ones. These were pretty old and not the best quality. Edward had been the one to buy them when we moved in, and I'd tried to explain to him that I would handle the shopping because men knew _nothing _about interior decorating. But he'd wanted to surprise me and I just couldn't tell him I hated them, so we'd kept them. But I couldn't stand the purple cloth together with the light wood anymore. Ugh, I shuddered at the thought of it. Luckily, I had a perfect excuse to throw them out now. _Ha._

I put the dishes in the dishwasher and pushed the button. I dried my hands on a towel, inspecting the kitchen cabinet doors. There was a crack in one of them. Edward had gotten a little angry last month and instead of taking it out on me he'd punched the cabinet door. The rest of them weren't in the same condition, but they looked a bit worn out. Maybe we could repaint them. I could go to the paint shop tomorrow and...

I froze. I hadn't heard anything, but I could feel warmth radiating from a body behind me.

I didn't breathe. I didn't look. I heard the slow breathing of a man, but I didn't turn around. I _couldn't_. Because I knew exactly who it was, and I was too much of a coward to face him.

A gentle hand brushed my hair aside. I felt his breath near my right ear when he exhaled. "Bella?"

I winced when I heard his voice. I closed my eyes and nodded, signaling that I'd heard him.

"You lied to me, baby." He spoke in a soft, quiet voice. It sent chills down my spine, scaring me more than if he'd been screaming the words.

I knew that this was what I'd been waiting for the whole time. He'd finally lost it. I'd been wrong when I thought I could get away from this. I'd thought he'd actually help me. That he would support me. But it was all an act. He just saved the best for last.

He moved closer, pressing his body as close as possible without pushing me into the sink. How many times had I dreamed of this, _longed_ for being this physically close to him? But now it just made me want to throw up.

"Do you know how that made me feel?" he asked sadly, playing with a strand of my hair.

When I didn't respond, he gripped my shoulders and shook them roughly. "Answer me," he hissed.

I yelped and opened my eyes in surprise. I stared at the sink until I managed a whispered, "No."

"'No', what?" He shook my shoulders again.

"No, I don't know how that made you feel," I half-gasped, half-whispered.

"Let me inform you, then." He gently let go of my shoulders and continued to play with my hair. "It made me feel... hurt, _betrayed_, to see you lying in my face like that," he said, his voice rising in feign hurt. "You don't want _me_ to lie, do you, _Isabella_?"

It took a moment or two to find my voice.

"No."

My heart was beating a hundred times per minute, my breaths came in short, shallow gasps and I was trembling, _so much_. I couldn't stop it, no matter how hard I tried.

_Please, for the love of God, make him stop this. I can't take it, I can't take it. I can't... _take _it._

I flinched when I felt his touch on my cheek.

"Bella, turn around."

I shook my head. _No._

"I just want to see your face," he pleaded.

I shook my head again.

"I said _Turn. Around_." The fury was unmistakable.

I whimpered but quickly obliged his request. I spun around, keeping my eyes on the floor. _No, I have to be strong. I have to be strong._

I looked up. What I saw in his eyes almost made me drop my eyes to the floor again, but I collected my strength and opted for his chest instead.

His eyes were so cold I nearly didn't recognize him. He wasn't the same man. This one enjoyed what he did to me. He got a rush from seeing me like this.

That made me start hyperventilating.

_Pleasepleasepleaseplease makehimstopmakehimstop!_

"Bella, I _love_ you," Edward said, using his soft voice. He made it sound like it was an excuse, but also as an explanation.

I couldn't utter a word, but his words made confusion set in my mind and I faltered slightly in my breathing process.

_Then why...?_

I didn't finish the thought, because Edward leaned forward towards my face and started whispering in my ear.

"But if you _ever_ lie to me again," He paused and chuckled, "you can start packing your bags. Because _this,_ will be _over_."

He spun on his heels and walked up the stairs. I didn't breathe until I heard the bedroom door slam.

I stared right in front of me. At nothing. At everything.

Then it all came crashing down on me.

Suddenly my knees couldn't hold up my weight anymore, making me slide down the cabinet doors to the floor. I started hyperventilating, trembling, pulling at my hair, making sounds I'd never heard.

And then I started crying.

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**A/N: What do you think? Leave me a review!**

**Until next time...**


	3. Chapter 2

**Thanks to my beta Angela, aka jacobsangel88, for her tremendous work with this chapter and for supporting me in whatever choice I make about this story. Happy belated birthday!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**

_One last candle to keep out the night  
And then the darkness surrounds me  
I know I'm alive but I feel like I've died  
And all that's left is to accept that it's over  
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made  
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder  
I feel like I'm slipping away  
__**~Superchick (Beauty From Pain)**_

**Chapter 2**

Everything was black. Dark.

I loathed the dark, remembering the nightmares I used to have as a teenager. They had been different from night to night, but they had one thing in common: it was always dark. When I'd been dreaming of Renée – who had been living in Phoenix, where the sun was always shining – she'd been surrounded by the darkness that was passively lurking, waiting for the right moment. I had wanted to save her and started running, frantically shouting at her to run too, but I never reached her before the darkness slowly started swallowing her, one body part at a time. I hadn't had any other choice than to watch her, screaming in despair, barely able to breathe. As soon as she was gone, the dark started creeping toward me and the suffocation set in. When the darkness had reached me, my breaths were so shallow that it felt like I had a snare around my throat, tightening every time my chest heaved. Just as I'd thought I would die, I had woken up gasping, my heart beating loudly. I'd been so frightened that the first thing I'd done in the morning was to check in the mirror for marks on my throat. But of course I hadn't found any.

This time was no different. The darkness was there, the feeling of being suffocated was as well. It was like there was a black hole in the center of the darkness, pulling me further and further into it.

The snare tightened.

It became harder and harder to breathe, and I started freaking out. I frantically tried to grab the rope around my neck but my hands grasped nothing but thin air, my nails scratching against my throat in my attempt to find it. It _had _to be there. But there wasn't.

I couldn't do anything to stop the suffocation, the dark, the pull towards the black hole. I would die when I reached it. I just knew it. So I did the only thing I could come up with. I screamed.

It was hopeless. The echoes of my screams bounced off the walls I knew were out there, somewhere. But my strained breathing stopped me from screaming as loud as I wanted to, and I knew no one would hear me. The black hole was suddenly very close, and the oxygen to my lungs was cut off completely.

I tried to draw a breath, but it felt like the air got stuck halfway and when the sound reached my ears, I noticed I'd made a strangled wheeze. That, combined with the dark, really made me start panicking.

_I'm gonna die like this. Suffocated. In the darkness. Alone._

I started to get dizzy.

"_Bella …"_

I desperately tried to remove the snare again, but just like the last time, my hands grabbed nothing but skin and air, and when I lowered my hands, I gasped. I _tried _to gasp, but the limited access to my lungs made it come out like a strange hiccup.

My hands were red with blood.

"_Bella!"_

If there was something I couldn't stand apart from the dark, it was blood.

Suddenly the red on my hands switched to black, and I looked up to see the black hole in its full nature. Black. Dark. There was no doubt that I would end up like Renée. Torn apart, limb by limb, until there was nothing left.

And I screamed.

~X~

Suddenly everything was light. The change from the dark to the light was too sudden, and while I was waiting for my eyes to adjust I couldn't see anything other than the blinding light.

Was this heaven? Had I died?

As I was pondering about whether I was dead or not, I became aware of other things. When my eyes were blinded, my other senses got stronger, and soon I heard the wind blow in my ear. It sounded like it was storming, but there was a strange sound I discerned in the wind that I couldn't place. Was someone crying? It sounded like someone was sobbing or screaming, but it was too faint to know for sure.

Out of habit, I swallowed. But as soon as I did it, there was a searing pain in my throat. A fire flared up, burning wildly, until it controlled itself and became small and barely noticeable.

I became even more confused. If I was in heaven, why did I feel pain?

With that realization, I could state that I wasn't in heaven. But where was I?

As if I'd been under water, my hearing suddenly became stronger, clearer. The wind was gone, replaced by a sound that I could identify as my short, desperate breaths, and the cries in the storm were replaced by my tearless sobs.

"Please, Bella. Wake up … everything's gonna be fine, just … please …"

In that exact moment, the light stopped blinding me and my vision returned. My sight was blurry, but I could make out the familiar bronze hair that had yet to be brushed, and my eyes flickered down to the red, full lips that I'd kissed more times than I could count before focusing on the eyes. _Oh, the green. _I'd forgotten how beautiful they were. The eyes of my angel_._

Maybe I _was _in heaven. _My _heaven.

Somehow, as soon as I looked into his eyes, my pulse slowed down and my breaths slowly became steadier with every inhale.

"Bella? Oh fuck, baby, you scared me," Edward said, sighing in relief. The corner of his mouth lifted slightly and his eyes sparkled as he looked into mine. There was a slight hint of worry in them, and his smile was soon replaced by a frown. "What happened?"

I shut my eyes, trying to remember. I had been so sure it was real; so sure that I had died. "I – I had a nightmare. There was a … a – and everything was just so … so _dark_."

Even though I knew it was a nightmare, I was still shaken up. With the memories of the dark, the screaming, and the suffocation, my pulse started to speed up. My senses were on alert, automatically searching for the danger that no longer existed.

_It was just a dream. It's over now, Bella. Don't be such a chicken, _I ranted over and over in my head. _I have Edward, he_ _won't let anything happen. It was just a dream …_

I was silly, I knew that.

But nothing prepared me for my reaction when I felt Edward tenderly stroke my cheek.

"_Bella, turn around."_

"_Do you know how that made me feel?"_

"… _hurt, betrayed …"_

"_You lied to me, baby."_

"… _start packing your bags …"_

"… _over …"_

The memories of last night came flooding over me. I opened my eyes wide and stared into his eyes with horror.

_Oh my God … _My brain was working overtime in processing everything. I couldn't help the gasp that escaped me, and my hand instinctively covered my mouth in shock.

Edward moved his hand from my face and started stroking my hair in a soothing gesture. "Bella, it's alright. It was just a nightmare, okay?"

Yes, it was just a nightmare. When I woke up, I thought I had escaped it. I'd thought I would find solace as soon as the dream was over. But I realized that I couldn't escape from it. Not ever. Because _this _was the real nightmare.

"No," I breathed.

"What? It will be fine, don't worry," Edward said reassuringly. He made a move to stroke my cheek again, but I recoiled, trying to get out of his embrace.

"Don't touch me," I snapped. I struggled to get up on my feet, but my clumsiness decided to strike in my haste and I stumbled, which left me with no other choice than crawling backwards.

I was breathing heavily by the time my back hit the cabinet doors. I willed my eyes to hide the fear and show strength, and I made eye contact with Edward. His mouth was slightly open, his eyebrows pulled together, his eyes staring at me in confusion.

"Bella?" His voice cracked.

"Don't," I snarled.

"Bella, what's wrong?" he asked as he slowly walked toward me.

My heart cracked a little to see him confused and hurt, but he knew _exactly _what was wrong. Was this just another game of his?

I glared at him.

He walked the two remaining steps and sat down on his knees, all the while his eyes searched mine.

_Don't show weakness, be strong. Don't waver. He'll crush you._

I'd pulled up my knees to my chest and my hands were in clenched fists, lying on top of them. Edward slowly put his right hand on top of mine, grasping it lightly, caressing my knuckles. "Tell me, Bella. Please."

His hand was so warm. The tingling I'd felt for the past five years was still there along with his touch. As much as I hated my body for responding, I couldn't help closing my eyes at the feeling. A split second passed before I cursed myself for dreaming away and I forced my eyes open again.

Edward was still looking at me, but his eyes were genuine now. Honest. And they were filled with worry.

"_Please_," he whispered.

His pleading threw me for a loop, and my resistance melted like ice cream on a hot summer day.

"But … last night …" I opposed weakly. Edward's eyes brightened when I opened my mouth, but darkened visibly by the time I closed it. My gaze alternated between his eyes and our entwined hands in my lap. It didn't slip my notice that his hand had stopped moving, no longer caressing my knuckles.

"You know I didn't mean that, honey," Edward said lightly.

"Mmm," I murmured. What was I supposed to say? _'What part did you not mean? The part where you said you loved me?' _No, thank you. I settled for a safe _'mmm'_, but Edward was having none of that. He put his finger under my chin, tilting my head up, and my eyes automatically focused on his smoldering gaze.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he apologized. "It's just that … there's this case that has taken so long and we're _finally_ going to court, and Ben has been putting me through hell to make sure he'll win this case," he explained, gesturing with his hands. He sighed in frustration and hid his face behind his palms. "_I'm so sorry._"

I could barely make out the words, and I was surprised at the sudden agony in his voice.

"Hey," I said, gently prying his hands from his face. "It's okay," I found myself saying. "It's okay."

He hesitantly looked up at me. "Really? I promise it won't happen again," he added quickly.

"Yes, really," I said, suppressing a smile when his eyes lit up.

Suddenly he threw his arms around me, embracing me in a tight hug. "I wouldn't know what to do without you," he whispered, his breath tickling my ear.

My heart skipped a beat and I smiled in response, even though I knew Edward couldn't see it.

Edward pulled back, his fingers lightly stroking down my arms. "I have to go to work," he said hoarsely. He cleared his throat before continuing, "I'm probably gonna be late tonight, I have _tons_ of paperwork. And Ben will probably give me more," he muttered.

"I won't wait up for you," I said, my mouth quirking up into a grin.

"Don't," he countered, flashing his crooked smile. He stood up, grasping my hands and pulling me with him. He let go of my hands and I subtly placed them on his chest. I gazed into his eyes, feeling the safe rising of his chest underneath my palms. "I have to go," he whispered.

"I know," I sighed.

He crouched down a little in order to look into my eyes more directly. "Take care, will ya?"

I nodded, unable to stop the smile from spreading all over my face. "I will."

He nodded once, smiling, too. He turned around and walked to the hall, putting his coat on. He went out of my sight, and I could hear his footsteps nearing the door.

"Edward?" I called.

He peeked his head around the corner, his hands grasping the door frame. "Yeah?"

"Good luck."

"Thanks," he smiled. He grabbed his suitcase, and after a few seconds I heard the door close.

I staggered toward the table, my knees starting to wobble more and more. I sat down on one of the chairs, placing my elbows on the table, slowly caressing my temples.

_Welcome to another episode of Bella Cullen's life. Hope you enjoy the show._

I laughed to myself, miraculously finding some irony in my life. My life was like a roller coaster – it went up and down. Either you could choose to join the ride when it was slowly crawling upwards: it went slow, and it was also easy to get on. But, it was boring. And how would you ever know when it would go down again? You could continue upwards for all eternity.

Or, you could choose to join the ride when it was on the way down, fast as lightning. Harder to get on, but once you were in the carriage, you could enjoy the ride. All you had to do was jump from the top. Was it safe? No. You could miss the carriage entirely, and then you had to face the consequences. Every day I was standing beside the carriage and had to make that decision.

And honestly, why would I ever choose the boring ride?

My stomach growled, snapping me out of my musings. Glancing at the clock, I decided to eat some breakfast. I pulled out the milk from the fridge, grabbed the cereal in the other hand and sat down at the table. I was starving, but I was positive I couldn't handle eating an omelet. I usually made omelets on the weekends as I didn't have the time to make it on the weekdays – I prioritized other things, such as sleeping in. I may have lived for my job, but without a good night's sleep, I wasn't going anywhere. And as my presence wasn't needed at work anymore, I could sleep in _and _make omelet.

The pros about not having a job almost outweighed the cons. _Almost._

My stomach churned at the idea of an omelet for breakfast, and my hands were still shaking a little. Making an omelet now was just bound to end in a mess. So cereal had to do for now.

I was just raising the spoon, mid-chew, as I remembered what I'd done all night. I dropped the spoon and rushed to the bathroom, quickly coming to a stop when I looked in the mirror.

"Oh, no, no, no, no, no, _no_," I groaned. "My _face_!"

My eyes were bloodshot and puffy, not to mention the big bags under them. My hair was in a mess, standing up at all sides, looking like a huge bird's nest. It looked like I hadn't combed my hair for months, or like I'd had sex all night. And I could _definitely_ eliminate the latter.

But worst of all was the make-up. There were black blotches on my cheeks and forehead, and now dried streams of mascara under my eyes. I was filled with horror. _I've smudged it all over my face_. I couldn't, _wouldn't_, go outside today. Not when I looked like this. Not a chance.

I found the make-up remover and desperately tried to remove the mascara. _Thank God I didn't have any foundation …_

"_Oh, no_," I moaned as I was struck by another realization. Edward had seen me like this.

_Crap._

Not only had he seen that I had cried, I had looked like … like a … _witch_. With _really_ bad make-up.

I couldn't for the life of me understand how he could have endured looking at me. I looked awful.

Suddenly, I burst into laughter. My knees buckled and I fell down on the floor, laughing like crazy, clutching my stomach. I couldn't _stop_. Every time I thought I would calm down, I giggled, and another fit of laughter started.

I couldn't remember the last time I laughed this much. _I really should mess up my make-up more often._

And I started laughing again.

~X~

After a while, I finally composed myself and the laughter died down. I stood up and tried not to laugh as I looked into the mirror, removing the rest of the make-up. I tried to brush my hair, but decided that I couldn't do anything about it, and I stripped out of my clothes and took a long shower.

Walking out of the shower, a cold gust of air hit me, making me shiver. I quickly found a towel and wrapped it around me. When I'd straightened my hair somewhat, I went upstairs to find some clothes.

Hesitating a little, I grabbed the knob and opened the bedroom door.

The bed was made, the curtains were opened a little; the sun casting a stream of light on the bed, and the floor was as dust-free as it had been yesterday.

I guess I shouldn't have expected anything but the ordinary.

I opened the doors to the closet. His clothes were folded and lying in neat piles.

_I really shouldn't have expected anything but perfection._

I sighed and pulled out the first thing I saw: a pair of gray sweatpants and a white T-shirt. I dressed and went downstairs, remembering that I still hadn't cleaned up in the kitchen after breakfast.

I hand washed the dishes just for the sake of having something to do. In a way, I dreaded signing up for unemployment. It would make everything final, officially marking me with the label 'unemployed'. But I was just coming up with reasons to not do it, so I collected all the papers I needed, went to the living room, and signed in on my laptop. I'd heard you could file a claim online, and as I refused to leave the house that fit me perfectly.

Filing the claim went smoothly. I logged in, answered some questions, and went to Edward's office to print out the information. According to the website, I would start getting my benefits next week, this week being an unpaid week.

Money wasn't the problem in the family. Edward was working as an attorney, earning more than enough for the both of us. I just wanted to have something to contribute with. I didn't like feeling helpless, not doing anything to help. And if this small benefit was what I could contribute with, I would take it.

Edward had been a trained attorney for about two years. He graduated from law school with a JD law degree, and now he was working as an associate in a small law firm in Brooklyn. Ben was the owner of the firm, and although I'd only met him briefly once, I could tell he was a great guy. I often heard complaints about him from Edward, but I knew the only reason he was so hard on him was because he could see Edward had potential.

I knew he had potential, too. I knew it because of all the nights I'd been up with him, helping him studying. He'd studied so hard, graduating as one of the best in his class, and I knew one day it would pay off.

I took the newly printed paper and went back downstairs to the living room. I turned off the laptop and sat down in the sofa. I was so _exhausted_. I hadn't gotten much sleep last night, and now it was catching up to me.

I went to the bookshelves that held my collection of classics, and decided to reread _Sense and Sensibility_. I'd read it more times than I could count, but I could never grow tired of the classics. I just loved them; loved dreaming away to another time that was much less complicated than the time I was living in. Although the things that were important then, were still important now.

Money.

Life.

Love.

Just more complicated.

I pulled out the book, the edges torn and the cover worn out, but still the same book I'd bought ten years ago. I sat down in the sofa again and started reading.

_The family of Dashwood had long been settled in Sussex. Their estate was large, and their residence was at Norland Park, in the centre of their property, where, for many generations, they had lived in so respectable a manner as to engage the general good opinion of their surrounding acquaintance. The late owner of this estate was a single man …_

Within minutes, I was fast asleep.

~X~

I awoke two hours later to the sound of a horn blaring outside in the street. I sleepily sat up, coming to the conclusion that I'd fallen asleep. My neck was stiff, and my back hurt from lying on the couch for so long.

I turned on the TV and zapped between channels. One channel was sending some bad comedy, another a football game. I found a rerun of _Big Brother_, and decided that that would have to suffice.

After watching a few episodes of _Big Brother_, I noticed it was dinner time. I made a light Caesar salad and topped it with chicken. I wasn't very fond of salad, but Caesar salad was the only salad I liked. And with chicken, it was delicious.

Sitting at the table, alone, once again, the silence in the house was severe. Quickly finishing, I read a bit more before calling it an early night.

I'd brushed my teeth and changed into my pajamas when I slipped under the soft covers in our bed. The day had taken its toll on me, and I quickly fell asleep.

Still half-asleep, I felt the mattress dip and I was embraced by a pair of warm, safe arms. I tried to turn around, but stopped when I heard a low 'shhh'.

"_Sleep_," a velvety voice whispered.

Smiling, I nuzzled my head against the pillow and went back to sleep. One thought occurred just as I was slipping back into unconsciousness.

_This _will _work out._

**A/N: I know, it's been a while since I updated, but I probably won't update faster. School has started again, and I don't have much time to write. But I'll write as much as I can. I hope this will be okay with all of you :)**

**So, my beta's birthday was last week, and I've been wondering 'what is the perfect present?' That's why I'm going to rec her story "From Phoenix to La Push". It's funny, romantic, adventurous, and there are some **_**hot **_**La Push boys! You want to take a break from this angsty/creepy/weird story? Go read it and review!**

**We saw another side of Edward today, didn't we? Is Bella crazy for staying? Will this work out? I'd love to hear your thoughts and theories!**

**Reviews make me write faster…**

**Thanks for reading!**


	4. Chapter 3

**Hey everyone – it's been too long. Apologies at the bottom.**

**As always, massive thanks to my beta jacobsangel88 for offering her beta services even though she's super busy and should be doing other (and more important) things****.**

**This is for Lola. Happy belated birthday, babe. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.**

* * *

_On the first page of our story__  
__the future seemed so bright__  
__then this thing turned out so evil__  
__I don't know why I'm still surprised__  
__even angels have their wicked schemes__  
__and you take that to new extremes__  
__but you'll always be my hero__  
__even though you've lost your mind_  
**~Rihanna feat. Eminem (Love the Way You Lie Part II)**

**Chapter 3**

A month had passed since I'd made up my mind. This _would _work out; if only I made sure I didn't make Edward angry.

Everything had gone surprisingly well, the exception being a small fight three weeks ago.

~X~

"Bella, you don't understand. My mother painted them!"

"But they look awful –"

"I don't _care_ if they look awful! It's my _mother_."

"Edward, you need to let go."

"I don't need to let go of anything," he scoffed, crossing his arms after flailing them for the past five minutes. His nostrils flared slightly, and his eyes bore into mine like he was daring me to challenge him.

I couldn't. I moved my gaze to his black polished shoes.

"It's been twelve years," I whispered.

He snorted. "You really don't want to go there, honey."

Somewhere inside, I snapped. Suddenly, I had to fight to keep the words on my tongue inside my mouth.

"No, I don't," I said slowly. "What I do want is to repaint the _damn cabinet doors_!"

I didn't succeed in keeping the words inside though.

He groaned in frustration. "What is it that you're not getting? I've already explained that my mother painted them!" he shouted.

"And I said that it's been twelve years!_ Twelve. Years_!"

The screaming was taking its toll on me. My breathing came in ragged gasps and I could swear I was sweating. The kitchen seemed too small, and it felt like the cabinet doors were practically mocking me.

What had I done?

Edward had started pulling at his hair, but froze when I started screaming at him. His eyes changed, and I instantly knew what was hiding behind them. What _he_ was hiding.

He tilted his head slightly to the left. "Twelve years since what?" he asked innocently.

I blinked frantically, opening my mouth to form a response but quickly closed it again. I stared helplessly at him, trying to make him see that I couldn't respond. I couldn't say the words. I just couldn't.

His face quickly changed from innocent to furious, his body suddenly towering over me even though he was standing more than five feet away. I gulped as I realized that he actually looked like he wanted to kill me.

"Twelve. Years. Since. What?" he asked through gritted teeth, clearly controlling himself.

I forced the words out, seeing no other choice. "Since she … died."

His blazing eyes stayed focused on mine, his sharp, defined jaw clenching so hard I thought it would break.

I wasn't even aware of the fact that I was trembling, until I couldn't stand looking into his eyes anymore and once again moved my gaze to his shoes, thus noticing my pale, trembling hands. I drew a shuddering breath and squeezed my eyes shut, waiting for his next unpredictable move.

I heard Edward exhale exasperatedly, and as I opened my eyes I saw his retreating form a moment before he slammed the door closed.

~X~

I was now walking the streets of Brooklyn, looking for everything and nothing.

Edward had been right – I was going crazy staying at home, having nothing to do. I had cleaned the house more times than I could count, cooked food so often that I was surprised neither me nor Edward were starting to get fat, and I'd applied for jobs I knew I had no chance of getting just for the sake of doing something. Since my attempt to make a change in the kitchen had failed, I'd worked with what I had.

Despite it being unusually cold outside, I had decided to go for a walk. Edward was working, as always, and I'd spent most of the day polishing all of the silverware I owned to perfection. Afraid of developing a fetish, I had grabbed my coat and stepped out of the door into the cold, yet refreshing, air.

I'd sauntered through Prospect Park for a while, stopping to watch a few kids running around in the park. A little girl was being chased by two older boys – presumably her brothers. Their laughter echoed among the trees, and I found myself smiling at the thought of one day seeing my own children laugh while chasing each other.

Leaving the park, I strolled and entered a few shops that looked interesting enough. I was just considering going home when I saw the familiar bookshop sign, and made my choice by thinking that it would only take a few minutes.

The bell over the door chimed when I entered, and I felt a little like an intruder when I broke the peaceful silence in the shop. Closing the door carefully, I let the smell of fresh air mixed with books fill my nostrils. A bright orange armchair placed in the left corner demanded my attention, but my gaze involuntarily – as if pulled by an invisible force – moved to the endless shelves filled with books.

I went straight to the classics section, looking and flipping through every book I could possibly find; both books that I had read, and hadn't read. Thumbing through Shakespeare's _A Midsummer Night's Dream_, I whipped my head to the right when I heard someone clear their throat nearby.

"Can I help you?"

A short old man with a mustache was looking expectantly at me, his hair gray – almost white – and his blue eyes looked like they held secrets only years of experience could reveal.

"No, thanks, I'm just looking," I said, smiling apologetically at him.

He chuckled. "Very well," he said as he turned around, preparing to leave. "I'll be in the back if you need me."

Just as he was leaving, something red in the shop window caught my eye. I took a step forward to take a closer look. Squinting, I suddenly realized what the sign hanging in the window said.

"Wait," I said, my hand lifting of its own accord and reaching for him, as though that would stop him from leaving.

The old man turned around. "Yes?"

The expectant look in his eyes was even more evident now, and the corners of his mouth were tugging up into a small smile.

_Don't screw this up now, Bella_.

"Are you hiring?"

~X~

I walked home feeling proud of myself. I'd actually managed to get a job; a job that I had no doubt I would enjoy. Spending my days amongst books – so often that my clothes would reek of the smell of them – was appealing to me. And by the way, my clothes wouldn't _reek_. It would be more like wearing an old perfume that I loved. Okay, that was weird. But still, I wouldn't mind it because I was sure I'd grow to love this job.

It felt like I'd finally done something for myself. I _deserved_ to have a job that I enjoyed. Sure, I'd been very dedicated to my last job and I'd worked very hard, but did I love it? I found myself immediately answering "no".

I walked home feeling carefree and happy. This was a new start. And it had to be something very, very good.

~X~

The feeling didn't last for very long, though. The smile that had been plastered on my face quickly faded when I noticed the Vanquish parked in the driveway.

I hadn't even thought of Edward, or the fact that he may have wanted to know about my decision to start working at a bookshop. Gosh, I really couldn't do anything right, could I? He would be really mad, surely.

_I should have thought carefully about a big decision like this._

Sighing, I walked up the driveway and stopped right in front of the door. I tried to pull myself together, trying _so hard_ not to freak out. I had done a stupid thing, and he wouldn't let this go easily.

My head ran through all the horrible things he could possibly do. Make me quit, make me get another job or not allow me to apply for any more jobs, so I would have to stay home all day. I would go insane.

_Or he'll be really happy you got a job_.

The optimistic side of me told me Edward wouldn't get mad. That he would be happy for me. And a tiny part of me actually believed that. The last few weeks had been good – great even. The cabinet doors remained unpainted, but our relationship had gotten better. I wasn't naïve; I knew our relationship couldn't get fixed in a matter of weeks. It needed months, at least. But I couldn't help feeling like I'd managed to screw up.

Squaring my shoulders, I prepared to face Edward. I reached for the handle, but my hand grabbed thin air when the door suddenly opened.

I gasped, my other hand automatically covering my chest in sudden surprise.

Worried green eyes looked into my own. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I breathed, my hand slowly returning to my side again. I gave Edward a hesitant smile.

He flashed his lopsided grin. "Then why, if I may ask, are you still standing outside in the cold?"

I blushed, finding myself momentarily unable to respond. "I don't know," I blurted out.

"Come inside, then," he said suggestively, taking my hand and practically dragging me inside.

The sudden change in temperature made my cheeks bloom even redder, and I giggled nervously. When Edward noticed my rosy cheeks, he tentatively reached out his hand and stroked my cheek tenderly.

His warm hand felt wonderful against my cold face, making it feel as though it was burning. I sighed dreamily, enjoying the tingle I always got from his touch.

"I've always loved your blush," he murmured.

"Mmhmmm," I responded incoherently, losing myself to the feeling of his skin against mine.

"Bella…" he mumbled, his eyebrows furrowing.

"Edward?" I said questioningly, meeting his gaze.

He swallowed loudly, his mouth opening and closing, struggling to say something. "I … I've …"

"What is it?" I asked, smiling encouragingly.

"I…" he tried, but sighed frustratingly when his voice failed him. "I … _I missed you_," he said softly but hastily; as though he'd been afraid of uttering the words, and when he finally overcame his fear the words came out in a rush.

"Oh, Edward…" I tilted his chin up, making sure his eyes were looking into mine before I, slowly but steadily, said, "I missed you, too."

His face lit up immediately, the corners of his mouth quirking up in a smile that took my breath away. I had no idea how long we just stood there, smiling and staring at each other. But somewhere along the way the tension in the air shifted, and suddenly I became aware of how close we were standing to each other. He was standing just a few inches away – I could feel his warm breath fanning my lips, and I swear I could feel the heat radiating from his body.

It seemed like Edward, too, had noticed the closeness. His eyes kept flickering down to my lips, and his strained breathing matched mine. It felt like there was a barrier between us; a barrier that had been here for years, and both of us were terrified to break it down. We were safe on our own side, but still – the hope that there might be something better on the other side of the barrier had never faded.

It had escaped my notice that I'd subconsciously tilted my forehead closer to his, and my breathing hitched when Edward's tongue slowly darted out to lick his bottom lip. I hazily looked up and saw that his eyes were still locked on my mouth. It was all the invitation I needed.

Teeth clashing, hands roaming, tongues sliding, our lips locked in a kiss so frantic that an outsider seeing us may have thought we hadn't kissed in decades. We tore the barrier down, piece by piece, and at that precise moment it was the easiest thing to do in the whole world.

We backed down the hallway, stumbled up the stairs and into the bedroom, all the while kissing and clinging to each other as though we were drowning. Somewhere in the far back of my mind a warning bell sounded, but I chose to ignore it and focused all of my attention on Edward.

Somehow we'd ended up lying on our bed, Edward hovering over me as we continued to kiss. My hands were exploring his body: playing with his soft hair, cupping his face, shakily unbuttoning his shirt… I was rediscovering it after having forgotten; recalling only vague memories.

It felt as if I was in a dream; moving in a fog, intoxicated by his presence. He hadn't touched me like _this_for so long. This couldn't possibly be real, could it?

He moved on to my neck, peppering it with kisses when I had to come up for air. Closing my eyes, I reveled in the feeling of his lips on my skin. It definitely _felt_real, at least. The sensations he provoked woke a fire within me, and my body screamed for more. I couldn't help a sigh of pleasure escaping from my mouth.

"I think I know what your next profession could be," Edward chuckled quietly against my neck.

My eyes flew open. "What?"

"We don't really need the money, you know," he murmured, pressing a kiss to my jaw. "Let's live a little. We could have so much _fun_." And to emphasize just what kind of fun he meant, he slowly trailed a finger along the side of my body.

Suddenly the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'd been purposely ignoring grew stronger.

"Edward…" I warned.

His eyes glinted with mischief. "Come on, Bella. What do we have to lose?"

"Everything!" I cried. "We're gonna run out of money eventually, if neither of us works."

"We'll be fine."

I pushed him off of me. "No, we won't be _fine_," I snapped. "I will not let you quit your job, you've only just started! And just because you want to 'live a little', that doesn't mean I'm just gonna accept it and become your own little doll made for _your entertainment_."

Who did he think he was? Hugh freaking Hefner?

"I didn't mean –"

I cut him off. "That's _exactly_ what you meant! But you know what? You don't need to quit and live life, because I've already gotten a new job and I sure won't quit!" I paused, gasping when I realized my mistake.

"You _what_?" he hissed angrily.

"I-I got a j-job," I stammered.

"Where?"

"At a bookshop," I said softly, averting my gaze to my lap.

"Don't you think we should have talked _before_ you made a big decision like this all on your own?" he asked incredulously.

I looked up and met his dark eyes, noticing just a hint of what looked like contained fury in them. Feeling my heart hammering in my chest, I tried to shrug it off and said casually, "You said we didn't need the money. Why would whether, and where, I have a job matter?"

Edward let out a sigh of frustration. "It doesn't matter; I just thought we were supposed to share this kind of stuff with each other!" he yelled. He stayed silent for a few moments, almost looking vulnerable for a second before putting a blank mask on his face. "Were you even planning to tell me?"

"Of course I was!" I exclaimed desperately. "I just got … distracted," I added quietly.

He pushed off the bed and stood, raking a hand through his hair.

"You've _got _to start talking to me, Bella. Sometimes … it feels like you're not here when I talk to you, like you're someplace else." He paused, his nostrils flaring. "Is there somebody else?"

My eyes widened. "No! Of course not!" I quickly scrambled out of bed, and once standing in front of him I grasped his hands and repeated a soft, "No."

Frowning, he finally gave a curt nod.

I stroked his knuckles slowly with my thumbs, hoping to soothe the rising he was fighting inside.

"I'll try," I whispered. "I'll try to be more open," I clarified when I noticed Edward's questioning eyes. I took a deep breath. "But please know that I would _never_keep anything from you. Ever. You must know that."

Hesitation, then another curt nod.

"Good," I breathed, still stroking his knuckles.

Just as I was starting to relax and enjoy our little moment, he abruptly drew his hands back out of my reach.

I started blinking frantically, my mouth falling slightly open in surprise. Before I could react he swiftly whooshed past me and went out the door, closing it carefully.

I gasped, choking on air and let out a strange, strangled noise, before slowly sinking to my knees in exhaustion. The bedroom floor was hard and caused some discomfort, but all I could think of was the fact that Edward always seemed to be leaving.

Then another thought hit me – a thought so alarming that if I wasn't already on the floor, it would have made my legs go weak and I would've dropped to it:

_I wonder when he'll leave for good_.

* * *

**I am so sorry for how long this has taken me to write. Honestly, I didn't quite expect school to affect my life so much. I wanna be a lawyer (in case you didn't know, it's really hard to get into law school), and so in the end I decided to focus on school instead of writing. I hope you all can understand that, but I'm really sorry for just going AWOL.**

**I can't really promise when the next update will be because, besides deciding to focus on school, I am also lazy and a very slow writer. All I'm asking for is your patience (even though I shouldn't ask anything of you). What I can promise you though is that it definitely won't take me this long again! **

**In case you're interested (or want to send me hate messages, guilt me into writing or just chat) I'm on Twitter: OneHellofaShow.**

**Thank you so much for reading. **


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